Andy's sister, Lauren, has been particularly involved, since she lives with Ashleigh and Andy. I asked her to share some insights she's gained from this ordeal. She has shared this excellent post on how she has wrestled with God's sovereignty through this painful experience, and I commend it to you.
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| Lauren and Aubrey |
But recently, God apparently decided that I needed to let this truth seep a little more deeply into my heart. Since Aubrey’s illness began, I have been thrown into a period of study and introspection that has made the truth of God’s sovereignty more beautiful than it was before.
For an already contemplative person, this turned me to a consuming search for a satisfactory reason why this happened. In that, I’ve learned to cling to Christ, His word, and His unfailing promises. I’ve learned that God saw the tears my family would cry, and He grieved with us; but only He has the big picture and the ability to plan every single thing for our good.
I decided to write this entry for the blog to help me make a little bit of sense out of Aubrey's illness - an illness I first considered irrational, pointless, and an unwarranted punishment. My perspective has changed, and I hope I can accurately convey what God has so graciously taught me over the past several weeks. I also hope it will encourage a fellow believer who is or will be going through a seemingly pointless trial. I hope you’ll see that even if you never learn why, it’s not really pointless at all.
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When Aubrey had her first seizure, I was supposed to have already left the house for work. But God had other plans. Instead of leaving the house at 6 a.m., I was just getting up that morning because I had gotten a cold the day before. God’s sovereign plan kept me home so I could take care of Lilly and James while Ashleigh rushed Aubrey to the hospital. This seemingly trivial part of His plan led to a course of events I never imagined. A month later, I am still absorbing it all.
Just a few moments after Ashleigh left the house and the initial shock wore off, I started asking God why. As dramatic as witnessing Aubrey’s seizure was, I was equally haunted by the image of Aubrey's mother seeing Aubrey suffer in an unexpected and horrific manner. I don’t yet understand the love of a parent for a child, but then I started to grapple with reconciling the pain my brother and sister-in-law were currently experiencing with a commonly known Biblical truth: God the Father loves His children on earth more than a parent loves his own children.
On the way to work, I was reading and searching for an answer. During my lunch break, I’d slip away to search some more. While I sat with Aubrey and wondered if she’d ever be the same, I was looking. I found myself teetering emotionally, shedding more tears than I knew I could produce, and my only avenue to stability was God and His truth.
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I’ve always sought lessons, and I'm usually pretty good at applying them to my life. This was the first time that God started to teach me the hardest lesson I’ve ever encountered: Trust God. Know that He is good. Know that circumstances are planned and perfectly orchestrated for the good of His children, no matter what, even when you have no clue why.
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| Lilly, Aubrey, and Aunt Lauren |
I say God started to teach me because I know this will be a continual process. But I pray that the during the calm seasons, when I am tempted to believe that I can sustain and prosper my own life, I will not forget these scriptural truths that became alive to me in the crisis:
- God knows the tears His children will shed, and they are ever-present before Him: “Record my lament; list my tears on your scroll – are they not in your record?” – Psalm 56:8
- God does not willingly afflict us, and He is full of compassion: “Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.” – Lamentations 3:32-33
- “When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future.” - Ecclesiastes 7:14
- Even the terrible things were planned: “I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the Lord, do all these things.” - Isaiah 45:7
- All things work together for good, to make us more like Christ. - Romans 8:28.
- I may never understand how what appears irrational, pointless, and unwarranted punishment works for good, but God says it does: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” - Isaiah 55:8-9; Romans 8:28.
- “If we are to honor God by trusting Him, and if we are to find peace for ourselves, we must come to the place where we can honestly say, ‘God, I do not have to understand. I will just trust You.” –Jerry Bridges, Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts, p. 135
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I want to end by leaving you with this truth-packed song that has been my theme for the past few weeks. I hope it touches your heart like it has mine.
